What’s swarming around in my head

So I’ve been away from this blogging thing for a while now because I made it into a chore instead of a way to express my feelings in a place that is outside myself. And it is for that very reason that I return to it tonight. So there’s something that is really bothering me tonight, and I figured I would blog about it as a way to try and get my thoughts out there.

So the thing that is bothering me tonight is something that really has been an issue in my life for, well most of my life. That issue is friendship. Friendship has always been something that has been difficult for me in my every day life. I can’t say that I don’t have any friends at all because I do, but its hard to tell just how much your friendship means to another person. At times it can really feel like they don’t seem to even care at all or don’t think of you at all. It is hard for me because I feel so attached to certain people that when they start to drift away a bit it can be hard for me to handle. It can be especially hard in my position, one in which I have moved away and am trying to come back and pick up with those relationships I had as if time had paused. The thing that is hard to deal with for me is the fact that when I have been away, people have continued on with their lives without me. This can lead to people meeting other people and wanting to spend time with them instead of you. You see these friends hanging out with other people instead of inviting you to do something, and that can really hurt. It makes me feel as if I am loosing the friends I cared so deeply about and that they have found someone to replace me. Suddenly, I am not the one the friend calls anymore to invite you to do things. When I am seeing all this happening, it makes me feel as if I was never as close to the person as I thought and I doubt whether I was even important to that person or those people in the first place. It leaves me tonight with a very alone feeling, and I am not sure who to call my best friends or friends or acquaintances anymore.  I never was the most popular person in school, and even now I don’t have that many friends, but when I see that I am losing even just one or two people it feels like I am slowly going to lose everyone, and it makes me feel as if I am not good enough or fun enough to be someone’s first choice as a friend. It makes me doubt my other friendships and it just overall really sucks. So anywho, that’s what is going on in my mind at the time and I hope that with prayer, God will provide to me some clarity for this issue and help to ease my mind of the doubts and worries I have. Good night everyone

Love, Kim ❤

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