So obviously I haven’t posted anything in a couple of days. There’s a reason for that. I have had a lot to deal with the last couple days and I’ve needed to take some time to figure myself out. I was going to try and start vlogging on monday and I actually finished the entire day and edited the footage into a video. I just couldn’t bring myself to post it. It really wasn’t something that was working for me. It wasn’t fun and it was more a chore and overall it was very uncomfortable for me to do. I was going to try to commit to it for the entire week, but more things came up in my life just yesterday that caused me to decide to give it up.
Something that I have been struggling with in my life is wanting to always be in control of things. And as most people know that isn’t possible to do. I would get frustrated with myself and others around me if class or homework or work got in the way of plans that I had in my head for wanting things to happen. I wanted to know that when I said lets have lunch at this time that it was definitely going to happen. When something didn’t go my way and lets say the person got called into work, I would blame that person or myself like I had something to do with it. This let to some pretty bad arguments yesterday with some of the most important people in my life.
This realization also brought me to another realization is that I have been putting certain things in my life above God. I have put things like Netflix or my relationship with my boyfriend above having a relationship with Christ. I have been lifting every thing around me up and putting God at a lower place. That just isn’t right. It came to me while writing in my prayer journal last night that maybe these two things are connected. Since I have put everything else in my life in higher priority, I haven’t turned to God and put him in control of these situations. If I had come to him for help, then maybe I wouldn’t have tried so hard to be in control of things. I have accepted that I cannot control other people’s emotions, other peoples schedules, my schedule, class, and anything else that may get in the way of me seeing or spending time with others. I have to accept that things will be out of my control and to not get so frustrated with it that I throw my phone against a wall (yes i did this yesterday when things didn’t go my way and so yeah I had a “temper-tantrum” and it was completely uncalled for and I am slightly embarrassed that I let myself get to that low point). I almost threw away some of the most important things in my life over something so petty as wanting to spend time with certain people and wanting them to bend to what I wanted. As I was laying awake last night I was feeling quite ashamed of myself and feeling sorry for myself that I may not have the best relationships with people and maybe I should give them up. Of course all these thoughts and feelings came from things that I shouldn’t worry about. If I judge my relationships on what other people thought of them or what I thought other people thought of them, then I probably wouldn’t have any friends or an amazing boyfriend, or anyone for that matter. My relationships are between me, the other person, and Christ. That’s it. And when I finally accepted that, I knew that things were going to be okay. I knew that through asking Christ to help me though this that he would give me the patience and the strength to let go control and follow Him in what he has planned for me, my life, my friendships, and my relationship with Brett.
We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. 2 Corinthians 10:5.
Love, Kim
Inside The Mind Of A Disgeek 